Part One: Deconstructing Perfection

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”- 2 Corinthians 12:9

I am obsessed with perfection. Women who appear to be Godly, intelligent, driven, caring, fashionable fill me with so much happiness and…anxiety. I find myself dreaming of being just like them and feel sad comparing the present me with my desired future self. I guess I have always believed that appearing perfect legitimizes your existence. You know when people say things like ‘why would you take life advice from a broke man?’ I have bought into a similar notion which asks, why would anyone care about what I have to say unless I appear perfect? The age of social media has fed heavily into this insecurity. I try to disengage and compartmentalize, understanding that social media is just a ‘highlight reel’ etc. but I can’t shake the feeling off that some women have found the formula to perfection while I am still fumbling around.

The start of a new school year can be very daunting for me. I am not the most organised person, but always find myself surrounded by women who are organised. With the different colored folders, detailed daily plans and stunning work ethic, every school year I am in close contact with a woman who seems to have her life together while I feel like well, bread.

I started University two weeks ago and these negative feelings have come rushing back to me, bringing me to the point of tears sometimes. Alongside finding it difficult to adapt to a new school year, I also struggle to feel like I’m engaging with God in the effortless, joyful way that I see my peers on social media do. When I start considering all the ways I am flawed, and how everyone else seems to have it together, I fall into a cycle of deep secret sadness, with smiles on the outside but a feeling of inadequacy following me wherever I go. However, what would my life be like if I embraced grace and not perfection?

A few weeks before starting University I spotted a devotional called Grace Not Perfection by Emily Ley. I didn’t think that I needed it but it was pink and looked cute, so I bought it. However, now I’m deep into the devotional I realise that aiming for a warped standard of perfection is something that can become destructive to me if I don't address it. I am starting to understand that an antidote to the crippling pressure of perfection is treating yourself gracefully.

One thing that struck me in the devotional is when Ley says ‘God has been pouring grace on me, but all I wanted to do was prove to the world that I could do it all. This was breaking point’. Nowadays there is a pressure to appear self-made, an individual who has cracked the code to daily quiet times, effective studying techniques and perfectly crafted outfits, make-up and hair. Some of us have bought into the illusion that we must do everything by ourselves, for ourselves with little regard for how inherently flawed we are and how we always need God irrespective of how motivated and organised we become. If we could reach perfection, there would be no need for God.

God knows that we are flawed. He knows our little quirks and struggles. He knows our history, our hurt and pain and yet loves us with open arms. God is our Father. A Father who protects and corrects his child all from a place of love. Yet, some of us struggle to embrace that love and grace. An inability to wake up at 5am every morning, go to the gym, do devotionals and conquer the world every single day can make us feel unworthy, inadequate and a disappointment to ourselves and those around us. After all, everyone we know on social media is a Godly, motivated, driven woman, so why can’t we be the same?

A problem in the body of Christ is that we want to earn God’s love. And you know why, because we are in a culture of earning love. We are in a culture where we get likes and retweets that affirm us telling us we’re intelligent, funny and beautiful. We put numbers to our worth; with every share, like, dm, award, picture-perfect relationship, gorgeous girl squad, graduation picture and career success we create a pile that shows us how worthy (or unworthy) we are. So, we approach God with said pile, forgetting that God does not give you a like, retweet or comment for your posts but ultimately, He wants your heart, attention and to see you pursue an approach to life that is more Christ-like. The scripture tells us; For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast Ephesians 2:8-9. God is not looking for your works, he wants your heart.

A pursuit for a worldly standard of perfection comes from vanity, insecurity or a misplaced understanding of success. It is hard to unlearn all of this. I find it especially difficult being a person who is often assumed to be perfect. Initially I thought the antidote was to make imperfection a big part of my identity, always highlighting that I am a big mess but that did not silence my desire to be good at everything, all the time. In not being graceful with myself, I have found it difficult to embrace the now, always longing for a future where I too crack the code and can present myself as unblemished.

The solutions to these feelings are vast, and over the next couple of days I will be outlining some approaches I will be taking, inspired by Emily Ley’s Grace not Perfection devotional. However, for now I will leave you with this- slow down. Remember that ‘there is nothing you can do without God’s favor’. Take your time to strategically address your blind-spots and be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself.

We’re all on this journey together, share your thoughts, feelings and experiences with me by commenting below, tweeting your thoughts or sending me a dm or personal message on Twitter or Instagram.

Stay blessed and beautiful.

#itunuspeaks