I have a core belief that in life ultimately everyone wants to be seen and to be understood and there was a period of time where I felt neither. Packing my bags to go to another country for a year of study filled me with excitement, but also a feeling that was unfamiliar- loss. For the first time in my life, I felt a deep attachment to a place and the people in it. My University city became a home away from home, a safe space and fertile ground from which I had blossomed in unexpected ways. I had made many connections with different people and felt determined to maintain several of them for as long as possible. So when the reality of flying away and staying in a foreign country for a year set in, it felt like I was losing the community I had made such an intentional effort to be a part of. It wasn’t long after I settled in the United States that the reality of the situation at hand, set in. I was thousands of miles away from the people and place that had become my norm and it was difficult. More than ever I needed to see a kind face and hear a familiar voice. I reached out- a text here, a phone call there and was met with some replies, several abrupt endings and sometimes silence. I rationalised the situation, telling myself people are busy and when they’re ready they will reach out. However, after a flurry of unreturned phone calls and texts, a different kind of feeling began to set in- disappointment. Prior to starting University the notion of depending on people made me cringe. I had internalised a mantra that I never wanted to feel like I needed anybody. Truly, I was fearful of rejection and being let down. I had become so used to doing things alone that friendships were almost a necessary evil, but one I still deeply desired. I liked people, loved them in fact, but always approached friendships with caution, expecting little and ultimately waiting to be disappointed. After some time I realised that this perspective on friendships was unhealthy and decided to actively combat it. As I progressed through my University journey I decided to be more open towards people and friendships. I opened up more and was intentional about building meaningful connections. I was going to embrace people and not be as sceptical. Considering this, when I was met with what felt like a lot of unreciprocated effort to maintain a bond while I was abroad, I experienced a long-lasting hurt that shocked me. After some hard conversations, ones that served to build up some friendships and chip away at others, I found myself recoiling into my old self. My old self, the one that promised not to rely on anyone or let their actions impact me, returned with a vengeance. Vengeance that reminded me, you tried to let people in and they hurt you, so stick to what you can rely on; yourself. This meant that my heart, which was learning to let love in, was slowly shutting its doors, reminding me to never let anyone have the power to affect my emotions ever again. Hurt is a funny thing. On reflection, the hurt that I felt came from both unmet and unspoken expectations. I had curated an image of what nurturing friendships over long-distance would look like, and I assumed it would come naturally. However, just as communication is a key component of romantic relationships it also serves a purpose in platonic relationships. I could have said what I expected from friends when it came to maintaining contact. Truth is, I did not know I would feel lonely or that I would miss the normalcy of my life back home, I was dealing with a lot of foreign feelings. These foreign feelings led me to have a strong desire to talk with friends back home frequently, while also having my rational side talk me out of a very natural feeling of disappointment when this was not always reciprocated. Therefore, I felt the push and pull of feeling unhappy and reprimanding myself for feeling unhappy, because remember I told myself I always needed to rely on myself alone. Little did I know that this feeling of hurt would come to impact me in a way I didn’t anticipate. My pride was hurt. I thought how could someone once determined to be self-reliant let herself be bogged down by someone other than herself, yuck. I also built resentment feeling like my efforts to love and be loved were in vain. However, one of the hardest feelings was how all of this caused me to question the one thing I thought I had control of; myself. I wondered if I had overestimated my place in people’s lives if maybe I was not liked as much as I thought. These thoughts taunted me. Maybe I was boring, or maybe I was intense, perhaps I wasn’t similar enough to those around me. Maybe I was a bad friend or a bad person. Past friendships had introduced these doubts to me and they were being unearthed. Processing the hurt was (and continues to be) a very interesting endeavour. I had to get to the core of why I was hurting so bad. I wrote my feelings down a lot, spoke to friends, my family, God and tried to unravel this deep pain that blindsided me and lingered for much longer than I had anticipated. After some time I realised the hurt I experienced in that period ultimately came from a place of feeling forgotten about. Remember when I said I believe people ultimately want to be seen and understood? I came to understand that at that time, I did not feel seen nor did I feel understood and that is why the pain lingered for a while. I also realised that people’s treatment of me, albeit unintentional, impacted the way I felt about myself. This is where I started to tread on dangerous territory and experience pain that was so intense. So, to the person who is dealing with relational hurt, I want to encourage you. Please remember that your identity should never be rooted in how people treat you. How people treat you, is a reflection of them and not you. This statement is often used to be vindictive but I urge you to frame it differently. People are people, and who they are and what they experience and believe impacts the way they act. Sometimes that comes at odds with our own ways of approaching life but that does not make them bad; it makes them, them. Therefore, do not let someone being themselves impact the way you view who you are. I learnt that the hard way. There had been many times, even growing up, when friends would hurt me, leave me out, make harsh comments and I would internalise it, bury it deep and sort of dig around and dwell on it in quiet moments. I used other people’s action or inaction to bully myself, convincing myself that whatever they chose to do or not do was a reflection of a fault on my part, which was not true. I also want to remind you that God sees you and loves you. It was so ironic that although I was feeling these horrible feelings, a song I played every day without fail on my year abroad was ‘Never Alone’ by Tori Kelly. A song which at its core reminds you that God is with you, a constant friend. Remember it’s ok to desire meaningful relationships. We are relational beings and your desire for deep connections does not mean you lack independence, it means that you are human. At times we can internalise narratives that self-reliance is the ultimate display of maturity. This experience taught me, in fact, that is not true. What is true is this, it is dangerous to put hope in people, that should be reserved for God alone. But to connect with people, to share your burdens, as well as great moments, is what makes life beautiful. Finally, you’re allowed to feel disappointed and you’re allowed to feel hurt. These feelings are not evidence of weakness; they remind you that you are human. Loving people is also not a flaw, love all people, but remember that in your pursuit of meaningful connections embrace those who embrace you and don’t seek validation and love in hostile environments. Not everyone is going to be your friend, not every friendship will last forever. Take time to acknowledge and embrace those who love you in the way you need to be loved. And most of all remember in all things you are enough.
Stay Blessed and Beautiful
Things that have helped me to deal with relational hurt:
Praying
Journaling
Talking about it with wise and trustworthy people
This article- https://sheworships.com/when-christian-friendships-end/