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  • Writer's pictureitunuabolarinwa




The very first post I wrote for this blog was titled 'Sexiness and Christian womanhood'. I was at a point where I was thinking a lot about body image, womanhood and the impacts beauty standards have on self-perception. In recent times I find myself pondering on the same topic and decided to come through with a little transparency about those themes.


Before starting University, I never cared much about my body type, or image in general. I went to secondary school with many girls who looked nothing like me, so they were never a point of comparison. Additionally, I possess a figure that some may consider a standard of beauty, in that I am slim, so I was never bullied about my image. Growing up, people would talk about my slimness, some saying how they wished they were skinny like me, others suggesting that I needed to put on some weight. I was even nicknamed ‘lepa shandy’ (skinny girl) by Nigerian Aunties and Uncles because of my figure. My figure was simply my figure, I didn’t care much about it, I appreciated girls of all different sizes and thought I looked fine.


It wasn’t until getting to University that my awareness of my looks increased ten-fold. My experience going to an all girls’ secondary school, and a predominantly female sixth form meant that the male-gaze was not something I really cared about. However, when I got to University, I experienced a very gradual awakening about what it meant to be societies standard of attractive and in turn, be desirable.


Coupled with my avid use of social media, University and the world of Twitter was teaching me what constitutes a beautiful woman. The more I listened to conversations and scrolled through social media, the more I felt I did not measure up. The seeds of insecurity had begun to be sown but they were subtle, almost unrecognisable.


However, one moment at University struck me and made me realise that the seeds of insecurity, unbeknown to me, had grown. One evening I sat at a big gathering of guys and girls in my year group and as the music played, and food and drinks flowed, what was supposed to be a staple of the University experience soon turned into an unbearable night. As the night went on, I watched girls walk in wearing different outfits, donning varied hairstyles and oozing with personality. I sat pensive but as time went on it felt like all my insecurities were literally crawling all over me. Despite my efforts to look cute and my plan to enjoy the night, I felt uncomfortable in my skin. I found my corner and sat in silence and in that moment, I felt very small.


Conversations with friends over the years have made me realise that many young women have had that poignant moment where they felt small because of their appearance. Whether it is being compared to a so-called prettier friend, being told that they have a nice body without the face to match or constantly feeling overlooked, there can be a lot of negative emotions attached to thinking about appearance.


A lot of the time I feel as Christian women there is an underlying feeling that to speak about beauty and body-image is to focus on vanity. However, loving and appreciating what you look like physically is so important. God has called us to live an abundant life, not one where we are timid and ashamed, letting insecurities cripple us. That moment where I sat in silence at the party, I was shocked that a build-up of subtle insecurities bullied me into submission.


Maybe negative words have been said about your appearance or perhaps like me, existing beauty standards made you start doubting your own beauty. Whatever it is, it’s time for you to look in the mirror and appreciate the beautiful woman looking back at you.


I am at a place where I am taking active steps to really embrace all elements of my appearance. From my slim frame, to my youthful face, I am realising that all these things God saw fit to manifest a facet of His beauty. I was made in the image and likeness of God!


Due to very subtle insecurities about my appearance I have held back when I should have been bold and have doubted my value in certain spaces. Little voices have told me I won’t be heard because I don’t possess a certain look. However, as we enter a new year, I refuse to let these voices hold me back. As women in this age it can feel like a lot of our inherent value is placed in our outer appearance. However, it is key to remember as much as we strive to love our appearance, we should be grounded in the truth that “man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7)


From a practical point, I have started some practices to help me appreciate my beauty and I hope they can help you too. I try to think of three things I like about my body and focus on them. I follow girls on Instagram who have my body type, dress modestly and look cute and I try to take that as inspiration for my own looks. I also remind myself that no one looks like me and there are so many cute things about me that I don’t even realise because I’m not looking at myself 24/7.


All in all, I try to remember that loving myself is one of the best gifts I can give to myself and others. Appreciating my light, helps me to hone it, shine it brighter and encourage others to do the same and that’s the most important thing.

Stay blessed and beautiful


Prayer to repeat:


In Jesus Name thank you that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, thank you that when you made me you didn't make any mistakes rather I reflect the beauty of who you are. Please help me to see my beauty, appreciate my beauty and be grounded in the truth that you look at my heart and not my outward appearance. Please let me constantly work on my heart to be the woman you want me to be, and love the person looking back at me in the mirror. Thank you Lord. In Jesus' Name Amen.

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  • Writer's pictureitunuabolarinwa

I have a core belief that in life ultimately everyone wants to be seen and to be understood and there was a period of time where I felt neither. Packing my bags to go to another country for a year of study filled me with excitement, but also a feeling that was unfamiliar- loss. For the first time in my life, I felt a deep attachment to a place and the people in it. My University city became a home away from home, a safe space and fertile ground from which I had blossomed in unexpected ways. I had made many connections with different people and felt determined to maintain several of them for as long as possible. So when the reality of flying away and staying in a foreign country for a year set in, it felt like I was losing the community I had made such an intentional effort to be a part of. It wasn’t long after I settled in the United States that the reality of the situation at hand, set in. I was thousands of miles away from the people and place that had become my norm and it was difficult. More than ever I needed to see a kind face and hear a familiar voice. I reached out- a text here, a phone call there and was met with some replies, several abrupt endings and sometimes silence. I rationalised the situation, telling myself people are busy and when they’re ready they will reach out. However, after a flurry of unreturned phone calls and texts, a different kind of feeling began to set in- disappointment. Prior to starting University the notion of depending on people made me cringe. I had internalised a mantra that I never wanted to feel like I needed anybody. Truly, I was fearful of rejection and being let down. I had become so used to doing things alone that friendships were almost a necessary evil, but one I still deeply desired. I liked people, loved them in fact, but always approached friendships with caution, expecting little and ultimately waiting to be disappointed. After some time I realised that this perspective on friendships was unhealthy and decided to actively combat it. As I progressed through my University journey I decided to be more open towards people and friendships. I opened up more and was intentional about building meaningful connections. I was going to embrace people and not be as sceptical. Considering this, when I was met with what felt like a lot of unreciprocated effort to maintain a bond while I was abroad, I experienced a long-lasting hurt that shocked me. After some hard conversations, ones that served to build up some friendships and chip away at others, I found myself recoiling into my old self. My old self, the one that promised not to rely on anyone or let their actions impact me, returned with a vengeance. Vengeance that reminded me, you tried to let people in and they hurt you, so stick to what you can rely on; yourself. This meant that my heart, which was learning to let love in, was slowly shutting its doors, reminding me to never let anyone have the power to affect my emotions ever again. Hurt is a funny thing. On reflection, the hurt that I felt came from both unmet and unspoken expectations. I had curated an image of what nurturing friendships over long-distance would look like, and I assumed it would come naturally. However, just as communication is a key component of romantic relationships it also serves a purpose in platonic relationships. I could have said what I expected from friends when it came to maintaining contact. Truth is, I did not know I would feel lonely or that I would miss the normalcy of my life back home, I was dealing with a lot of foreign feelings. These foreign feelings led me to have a strong desire to talk with friends back home frequently, while also having my rational side talk me out of a very natural feeling of disappointment when this was not always reciprocated. Therefore, I felt the push and pull of feeling unhappy and reprimanding myself for feeling unhappy, because remember I told myself I always needed to rely on myself alone. Little did I know that this feeling of hurt would come to impact me in a way I didn’t anticipate. My pride was hurt. I thought how could someone once determined to be self-reliant let herself be bogged down by someone other than herself, yuck. I also built resentment feeling like my efforts to love and be loved were in vain. However, one of the hardest feelings was how all of this caused me to question the one thing I thought I had control of; myself. I wondered if I had overestimated my place in people’s lives if maybe I was not liked as much as I thought. These thoughts taunted me. Maybe I was boring, or maybe I was intense, perhaps I wasn’t similar enough to those around me. Maybe I was a bad friend or a bad person. Past friendships had introduced these doubts to me and they were being unearthed. Processing the hurt was (and continues to be) a very interesting endeavour. I had to get to the core of why I was hurting so bad. I wrote my feelings down a lot, spoke to friends, my family, God and tried to unravel this deep pain that blindsided me and lingered for much longer than I had anticipated. After some time I realised the hurt I experienced in that period ultimately came from a place of feeling forgotten about. Remember when I said I believe people ultimately want to be seen and understood? I came to understand that at that time, I did not feel seen nor did I feel understood and that is why the pain lingered for a while. I also realised that people’s treatment of me, albeit unintentional, impacted the way I felt about myself. This is where I started to tread on dangerous territory and experience pain that was so intense. So, to the person who is dealing with relational hurt, I want to encourage you. Please remember that your identity should never be rooted in how people treat you. How people treat you, is a reflection of them and not you. This statement is often used to be vindictive but I urge you to frame it differently. People are people, and who they are and what they experience and believe impacts the way they act. Sometimes that comes at odds with our own ways of approaching life but that does not make them bad; it makes them, them. Therefore, do not let someone being themselves impact the way you view who you are. I learnt that the hard way. There had been many times, even growing up, when friends would hurt me, leave me out, make harsh comments and I would internalise it, bury it deep and sort of dig around and dwell on it in quiet moments. I used other people’s action or inaction to bully myself, convincing myself that whatever they chose to do or not do was a reflection of a fault on my part, which was not true. I also want to remind you that God sees you and loves you. It was so ironic that although I was feeling these horrible feelings, a song I played every day without fail on my year abroad was ‘Never Alone’ by Tori Kelly. A song which at its core reminds you that God is with you, a constant friend. Remember it’s ok to desire meaningful relationships. We are relational beings and your desire for deep connections does not mean you lack independence, it means that you are human. At times we can internalise narratives that self-reliance is the ultimate display of maturity. This experience taught me, in fact, that is not true. What is true is this, it is dangerous to put hope in people, that should be reserved for God alone. But to connect with people, to share your burdens, as well as great moments, is what makes life beautiful. Finally, you’re allowed to feel disappointed and you’re allowed to feel hurt. These feelings are not evidence of weakness; they remind you that you are human. Loving people is also not a flaw, love all people, but remember that in your pursuit of meaningful connections embrace those who embrace you and don’t seek validation and love in hostile environments. Not everyone is going to be your friend, not every friendship will last forever. Take time to acknowledge and embrace those who love you in the way you need to be loved. And most of all remember in all things you are enough.


Stay Blessed and Beautiful



Things that have helped me to deal with relational hurt:

Praying

Journaling

Talking about it with wise and trustworthy people



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Writing is a very therapeutic thing for me but writing online is something that has taken a backseat in recent times. In many ways after my first year of University, I started to question a lot of the things I valued and cared about. Consequently, it became hard to write simply because I wasn’t too sure what I believed anymore. Belief systems are foundational to who you are as they guide your thoughts, actions and aspirations. Therefore, challenges to your beliefs about your identity and the world around you can be destabilising.


I went through what a felt like a very long period of questioning my beliefs and my identity in 2017-2019. I started to see holes in the things I valued and gaps in my knowledge that needed to be filled. Once so open to share my opinions, I withheld because it didn’t seem right to speak so passionately and openly about thoughts that were still under construction.

In some ways I went through a period of silence. I became more introspective. The ideas that shaped my identity and were part of my ‘brand’ began to be unpicked. Opposing views were no longer a point of contention but a propeller to continue observing, evaluating and where necessary changing or dropping belief systems that no longer felt true or as weighty. This was, and continues to be, an uncomfortable process but a necessary one.


Perhaps it’s my social media feed, but there is a lot of talk about branding yourself. The epicentre of the conversation being that you must be able to explain who you are and what you value concisely. Although the idea of branding oneself is not inherently bad, I found it to be limiting as it gave me little space to figure myself out. It was almost as if I was presented with several boxes and I had to fit into a couple. This notion appealed to me at first because naturally I have a few core interests. However, as time developed my perspectives changed and my worldview started a process of re-moulding.


If I’m to be completely honest, that was a very hard time for me. I had sort of entered University with hopes of building a brand for myself, that brand being a very socially conscious girl, well versed in politics with a speciality in Black issues. Perhaps this was a far-fetched aim, but I had been hearing a lot of things about the importance of branding and figured University was a good space to establish who I wanted to be and what I wanted to be known for. However, University became the very place where I started to re-evaluate the brand I had once held onto so closely.


Change at times seems unnatural. Personality traits, belief systems and identity markers can feel as permanent and close as the skin on your flesh. I had moments where I wondered if I let external factors impact me too much, if exposure to loads of ideas and beliefs were shaking my own. However, I am coming to peace with one core thing: the essence of growth is to be challenged and to formulate your ideas and beliefs through the challenges. If you no longer feel as strongly about an issue, if you have changed your approach to discussions, if you have shifts in your ideas about your future and values, that’s normal. I thought I wasn’t being consistent because I was questioning myself, but I have figured that the pursuit of answers will show me what I truly want from life and who I want to be.


So,I don’t think I’m going to be silent anymore. I’m going to share through this process of change and establishing my ‘brand’ with the key point being that the brand is always subject to change.

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