Writing is a very therapeutic thing for me but writing online is something that has taken a backseat in recent times. In many ways after my first year of University, I started to question a lot of the things I valued and cared about. Consequently, it became hard to write simply because I wasn’t too sure what I believed anymore. Belief systems are foundational to who you are as they guide your thoughts, actions and aspirations. Therefore, challenges to your beliefs about your identity and the world around you can be destabilising.
I went through what a felt like a very long period of questioning my beliefs and my identity in 2017-2019. I started to see holes in the things I valued and gaps in my knowledge that needed to be filled. Once so open to share my opinions, I withheld because it didn’t seem right to speak so passionately and openly about thoughts that were still under construction.
In some ways I went through a period of silence. I became more introspective. The ideas that shaped my identity and were part of my ‘brand’ began to be unpicked. Opposing views were no longer a point of contention but a propeller to continue observing, evaluating and where necessary changing or dropping belief systems that no longer felt true or as weighty. This was, and continues to be, an uncomfortable process but a necessary one.
Perhaps it’s my social media feed, but there is a lot of talk about branding yourself. The epicentre of the conversation being that you must be able to explain who you are and what you value concisely. Although the idea of branding oneself is not inherently bad, I found it to be limiting as it gave me little space to figure myself out. It was almost as if I was presented with several boxes and I had to fit into a couple. This notion appealed to me at first because naturally I have a few core interests. However, as time developed my perspectives changed and my worldview started a process of re-moulding.
If I’m to be completely honest, that was a very hard time for me. I had sort of entered University with hopes of building a brand for myself, that brand being a very socially conscious girl, well versed in politics with a speciality in Black issues. Perhaps this was a far-fetched aim, but I had been hearing a lot of things about the importance of branding and figured University was a good space to establish who I wanted to be and what I wanted to be known for. However, University became the very place where I started to re-evaluate the brand I had once held onto so closely.
Change at times seems unnatural. Personality traits, belief systems and identity markers can feel as permanent and close as the skin on your flesh. I had moments where I wondered if I let external factors impact me too much, if exposure to loads of ideas and beliefs were shaking my own. However, I am coming to peace with one core thing: the essence of growth is to be challenged and to formulate your ideas and beliefs through the challenges. If you no longer feel as strongly about an issue, if you have changed your approach to discussions, if you have shifts in your ideas about your future and values, that’s normal. I thought I wasn’t being consistent because I was questioning myself, but I have figured that the pursuit of answers will show me what I truly want from life and who I want to be.
So,I don’t think I’m going to be silent anymore. I’m going to share through this process of change and establishing my ‘brand’ with the key point being that the brand is always subject to change.